A brief note from Ariel: A gifted writer, an even better person, and a BEST OF BEST friends, Kristin writes about an experience that is both highly personal and also incredibly relate-able: the rejection and subsequent pain that can come from giving yourself in any relationship, and how, a lot of the time, the hardest person to love is yourself. (Kristin- "This heartwarming passage...") Kristin and I have both at times been a much-needed mirror in the face of self-destruction, not stopping at "I see your worth" but pushing past it till we at least forced lip service from the other of "alright, alright, I see my own worth, damn it. Maybe. Now lay off." Looks like Kristin doesn't need me so much as a mirror these days. Get ready for some EMPOWERMENT (and a little humor. because, what is anything without that?).
So, like I said in my original facebook comment announcing the glorious birth of this dating blog, I will win. I will always win. Perhaps there is no contest, real or imaginary, that measures the degree of disaster in dating-hood, but I have won it. Several times.
But the point of this blog or drabble or however you see fit to label it isn’t to talk about awkward first dates (believe me, it’s coming). It’s about relationships. In general (now you can remark on the cleverness of the ingenious title I have devised).
I’ve learned a lot about relationships in the past couple of months especially, and the learning process was neither painless nor enjoyable. But it was necessary, which carries far more value.
It’s impossible to sum up the months of my life story that led up to this moment and all of the smaller, less important moments in between, so let me perhaps sum up the core of this semester in life education:
No one has power over you unless you give it to them.
I’m going to say it again.
No one has power over you unless you give it to them.
My whole entire ridiculous life, I have been giving people whom I love power over me. I thought that this was the only true way to love someone, and love them I did, so I gave everything I had and more to prove my affections. But this always ended in sorrow and disappointment. No one seemed to love me back, and the pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t understand why I, who gave so much to each and every relationship, should experience such heartbreak at the hands of those I loved.
It sounds pretty dramatic, and that’s because it is.
Well, it’s taken me 24 years to figure it out, but I learned. And I’m never going back.
Enter Sarah and Britney (names have been changed to the most generic possible alternative). I loved them both so much. And when I introduced them to each other to be friends, I didn’t think too much of it.
It’s the classic two best friends and the awkward third wheel story, except that apparently was not enough for these people. It wasn’t enough for my two best friends at the time to decide to cut me out of their life entirely for the sake of each other. Oh no. What’s ending a friendship without exclusion, back-biting, lying, and essentially making someone’s life so hellish every single day that the only reasonable option for relief becomes ending it?
I plunged into a terrible, terrible depression. I congratulated myself if I lasted a mere thirty minutes without having suicidal thoughts. I learned how to shoot a gun. I learned it takes at least 11 stories to kill you (and there’s only one building that fits the bill in Provo, Utah—the same building on campus where I work as a janitor every weeknight and therefore earned access to its roof). I learned that a handgun will only kill you 65% of a time, but a shotgun will kill 85% of the time, 98% of the time if you can hit your brainstem. It sounds like pretty useless knowledge, but it was all I lived for. IRONY. I just about failed all my classes last fall and winter semester. My appendix exploded. I stopped going to church and at one point, believing in God all together.
Now here’s the thing: what was happening wasn’t just a particularly low phase in an otherwise model life. It was a pattern that I had gone through over and over again with friendships. This wasn’t my first friendship where two left the one. This wasn’t my first friendship where really, really close friends had destroyed me. What was the common denominator in all of these problems?
Oh yeah. Me.
Finally, after much prayer and a load of self-help books (don’t judge me, ok, guys?), I learned. I can choose to give other people power over me, but I can’t choose what they do with said power after that. They don’t want it, and they don’t deserve it. And the craziest thing of all?
I DON’T HAVE TO EARN PEOPLE’S LOVE. I DON’T HAVE TO EARN WORTH. AND NEITHER DO YOU.
It needs to be in bold because this is pretty revolutionary.
After Sarah and Britney decided that they never wanted to speak to me again when I told them the truth about their behavior, I made new friends. As a naturally shy person, this was pretty unexpected. But even more unexpected? That I never had to do anything for them, anything at all, besides be myself for them to love me. They treated me really well, and I never gave them any power over me whatsoever. How could it be? How could someone want to do nice things for me if I didn’t do a nice thing for them first? You mean people want to spend time with me even if I don’t beg them to do it? How can this be?
So, friends, I guess what I hope you’ll take from this overly long and overly dramatic rant is two fold:
1. The only person who can give others power over you is you. Don’t do it.
2. Be a good friend, date, boyfriend/girlfriend, sister/brother, parent, etc. Like Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. You never know when someone right next to you may need it.
Dating is fun. And also pretty lousy and ridiculous. But relationships? They can be absolutely wonderful, so long as you learn to give your heart to the right people, while still doing your best to love everyone in the process. It’s not an easy or simple process, but I can’t think of anything else more worth your investment.
Have a wonderful, love-filled life, friends. We can wish for nothing better.
So, like I said in my original facebook comment announcing the glorious birth of this dating blog, I will win. I will always win. Perhaps there is no contest, real or imaginary, that measures the degree of disaster in dating-hood, but I have won it. Several times.
But the point of this blog or drabble or however you see fit to label it isn’t to talk about awkward first dates (believe me, it’s coming). It’s about relationships. In general (now you can remark on the cleverness of the ingenious title I have devised).
I’ve learned a lot about relationships in the past couple of months especially, and the learning process was neither painless nor enjoyable. But it was necessary, which carries far more value.
It’s impossible to sum up the months of my life story that led up to this moment and all of the smaller, less important moments in between, so let me perhaps sum up the core of this semester in life education:
No one has power over you unless you give it to them.
I’m going to say it again.
No one has power over you unless you give it to them.
My whole entire ridiculous life, I have been giving people whom I love power over me. I thought that this was the only true way to love someone, and love them I did, so I gave everything I had and more to prove my affections. But this always ended in sorrow and disappointment. No one seemed to love me back, and the pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t understand why I, who gave so much to each and every relationship, should experience such heartbreak at the hands of those I loved.
It sounds pretty dramatic, and that’s because it is.
Well, it’s taken me 24 years to figure it out, but I learned. And I’m never going back.
Enter Sarah and Britney (names have been changed to the most generic possible alternative). I loved them both so much. And when I introduced them to each other to be friends, I didn’t think too much of it.
It’s the classic two best friends and the awkward third wheel story, except that apparently was not enough for these people. It wasn’t enough for my two best friends at the time to decide to cut me out of their life entirely for the sake of each other. Oh no. What’s ending a friendship without exclusion, back-biting, lying, and essentially making someone’s life so hellish every single day that the only reasonable option for relief becomes ending it?
I plunged into a terrible, terrible depression. I congratulated myself if I lasted a mere thirty minutes without having suicidal thoughts. I learned how to shoot a gun. I learned it takes at least 11 stories to kill you (and there’s only one building that fits the bill in Provo, Utah—the same building on campus where I work as a janitor every weeknight and therefore earned access to its roof). I learned that a handgun will only kill you 65% of a time, but a shotgun will kill 85% of the time, 98% of the time if you can hit your brainstem. It sounds like pretty useless knowledge, but it was all I lived for. IRONY. I just about failed all my classes last fall and winter semester. My appendix exploded. I stopped going to church and at one point, believing in God all together.
Now here’s the thing: what was happening wasn’t just a particularly low phase in an otherwise model life. It was a pattern that I had gone through over and over again with friendships. This wasn’t my first friendship where two left the one. This wasn’t my first friendship where really, really close friends had destroyed me. What was the common denominator in all of these problems?
Oh yeah. Me.
Finally, after much prayer and a load of self-help books (don’t judge me, ok, guys?), I learned. I can choose to give other people power over me, but I can’t choose what they do with said power after that. They don’t want it, and they don’t deserve it. And the craziest thing of all?
I DON’T HAVE TO EARN PEOPLE’S LOVE. I DON’T HAVE TO EARN WORTH. AND NEITHER DO YOU.
It needs to be in bold because this is pretty revolutionary.
After Sarah and Britney decided that they never wanted to speak to me again when I told them the truth about their behavior, I made new friends. As a naturally shy person, this was pretty unexpected. But even more unexpected? That I never had to do anything for them, anything at all, besides be myself for them to love me. They treated me really well, and I never gave them any power over me whatsoever. How could it be? How could someone want to do nice things for me if I didn’t do a nice thing for them first? You mean people want to spend time with me even if I don’t beg them to do it? How can this be?
So, friends, I guess what I hope you’ll take from this overly long and overly dramatic rant is two fold:
1. The only person who can give others power over you is you. Don’t do it.
2. Be a good friend, date, boyfriend/girlfriend, sister/brother, parent, etc. Like Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. You never know when someone right next to you may need it.
Dating is fun. And also pretty lousy and ridiculous. But relationships? They can be absolutely wonderful, so long as you learn to give your heart to the right people, while still doing your best to love everyone in the process. It’s not an easy or simple process, but I can’t think of anything else more worth your investment.
Have a wonderful, love-filled life, friends. We can wish for nothing better.